It was a cold December day as I peered out the moisture edged window. The monotony of the houses I call neighborhood seemed to drone in a line of familiarity which should give comfort but instead produced weariness. For a year and a half, I will not-so-readily admit, I have stood tongue-in-cheek inspecting the world out that window. Wondering... almost willing... that my surroundings should change to something more inspirational. But they weren't.
A year and a half in a mode of seeking any sign, any twinge, of a space where we might be Led out... instead running face-first into posts of resignation to a status of 'resident' which my heart was fighting every step of the way. Greater tasks for my husband at work, confirming time and again his permanent position. Opportunities to readily serve just when we gave up on possible prospects. Comfort in the mundane which I tried to deny but have to ultimately surrender to admitting.... such as the secret love affair I'm having with the growing season (and my garden area) here!
Perhaps it is presumptuous of me to admit to such deep-seeded heart ponderings. But, fact is, God has called me to return to the blogging world and one way I received that confirmation was through the antics and absurdly familiar outpouring of Allyson's bloggy thoughts through her efforts to survive a Mom's Night Out. Feeling she had nothing 'important' to blog about, she spills and pours the chaos that is the life of a mom of young children... and by the end, she discovers, the seemingly random chaos of life, of her life, really does have a place in a community of like-hearted women needing to know they are not alone.
Maybe some of you have never experienced the type of "chaos" that is my life... the life in full-time missions, scattered to the winds and trusting God's hand on the breeze... or trying to resettle, refocused as tent-makers, into life in surroundings you completely protest and pray and wish for something familiar. Maybe you have had something similar to this... your own scattered to the winds type life in missions or military or full-time wanderer and your heart pours alongside mine... maybe only ONE person will read this!!!
The fact is we all have a common factor in the midst of what appears as chaos... a need to pour out all the junk and gunk, the secret aches and ponderings... that real-life-stuff... not the facade we as women often try to put on in hopes we can seem to have it together and show we have it all figured out... we ARE the Proverbs 31 woman and she doesn't fumble..... right?
But the truth is much less attractive. Life is much more messy and our hearts.... well.... our hearts ache much more than we often show. And once we shed the gunk, the Truth can be seen. Not just that we are one but that we are one-in-Christ.
The hope I leaned on as I processed my cold winter thoughts was this: God IS in control. He works in the mess that we call life and He showed me, in my current plight, He is working here too. I just needed to open my eyes and SEE Him. See past what was in front of me, physically, and into what he holds for me, spiritually.
I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.
Ironically, when God led me to this scripture, I realized it was among the last of Moses' words to the Israelites before he handed the reins to Joshua whose last words one book later, not unlike his predecessor's, have stood sentinel to this blog for over 6 years now....
...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord..
The overview of my revelation since that chilly day in December? If God is in control, why don't I REALLY believe that and CHOOSE to walk in that truth? Hiding Joy in my heart and taking it everywhere else simply because He chose me, placed me here and His plan and purpose are far greater than mine. Why don't I CHOOSE life abundantly in him rather than grumble about the life He provided?
This day, I choose. This day I chose and I felt this crazy urge to blog and tell the world!! No more angsty window peering wondering if-or-when we will be moved to a more hospitable environment. I CHOOSE to see the blessing of home and health and even this street in front of me! God is good... all the time.... I choose HIM!
I pray, no matter your circumstances, you choose too!