Saturday, September 8, 2012

Who Am I?

I sat in a soft arm chair crying, trying not to sob, Kleenex in hand, surrounded by beauty in a room not my own.  My husband, criss-cross on the plush carpeted floor at my feet, looked up to my brimming eyes and pleaded me to share.

So I did.

My heart gushing out in tears and whispers.  I couldn't understand it myself, but somehow the Lord quieted my chatty husband and opened his ears.  He sat, patiently listening, not judging.

My heart ached as I poured and the more I poured, the clearer things became.  What was making no sense in the fuzz and haze of a woman's heart-ache, began to take form and in understanding calm could work its way in.

It boiled down to identity.  As a woman, more than 23 years 'independant', how do I let go; not have control, not have a stake, not have a home-a place to call my own... not have anything except a servant attitude.  I've always had a servant attitude... but on my terms and in my spaces... never in complete humility and service under someone else.  Who am I if I am not in control of almost anything anymore?

But should it be that different?  After all, I have always been in service to the Lord... is loving and serving others outside MY element any different then loving and serving the Lord in every element he exists?  Have I ever been fully in control when the One who holds the world has had his hand on my life all along?

My heart is healing, though I still feel a bit on the verge of weepy.  The Lord has blessed us with such wonderful hospitality/hosts on this journey.  It is difficult to be discouraged long when I can just SEE God moving all around us.  I will persevere through my self-inflicted trials and, I pray, in the end I might be more humble, more ready in loving servant hood, and a little more like Him.

Praying YOU see Him in all the elements of your life today... that your identity is fulfilled in knowing Him.


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