Wednesday, June 15, 2011

When Waves Roll and Darkness Closes

I have a confession to make:  my life is not perfect.  I'm sure you knew that though.  None of our lives are perfect and if you have read my blog (or my book) for any length of time you see where I openly admit to falling short.

It is so easy to read blogs and books and daydream about how lovely a life seems compared to our own.  Or maybe you are a realist and you know that everyone has their struggles... you have your own.  I tend to bounce between the two ways of being.  It depends on the week!

My lack of perfection is grounded in one main factor:  I still struggle with depression.  Not like I did when I was younger, but the icky darkness of the disease will threaten its hooks and it is always a matter of when do I realize the need to call on Jesus?  Do I wait until I can't see or do I cry out as the cold steal brushes my skin and avoid being drug away at all.

I am convinced my mom struggled the same.  She is in heaven now, but her journals and our conversations in her short life tell of the same struggles I have.  Inherent?  Generational?  I don't know.  But what I do know is all things are mountable when you wrap yourself in God.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.  - Psalm 28:7 (ESV)

Psalm 28 helps me regularly.  And when the darkness looms closer than I like, Romans speaks volumes and shines bright...

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  - Romans 8:26

So many times I will sit down next to my husband and bare my heart in search of earthly comfort.  I often start by saying, "The groans of my spirit right now are..." because I can't seem to formulate a prayer.  Fighting back tears I will speak aloud of my pain and somehow, in that, I know God hears, I know Jesus intervenes, and I know everything will be O.K.

It is the proverbial Peter stepping out of the boat in the storm.  The big question was, "Do you trust Me".  Twice Jesus spoke to the disciples on the stormy sea:  once to observe their lack of faith that He was in the boat with them, everything will be ok... and another time to call them (specifically Peter) out to follow Him, to trust Him, to know that everything will be ok when you walk towards Him.  Do not loose faith.  Do not give up hope.  Jesus is always reaching out to us.  He is always in the boat with us... and when he is walking on water, it is because He wants to show us that we can walk on water with Him......... if we just trust our hearts and lives into His ever-capable hands.

My kids count on me.  My husband counts on me.  Our ministry counts on me.  But one thing always wins out:  God counts on me.  He wants to be reflected through me into all other aspects of my life.  He knows I will fall short, scripture admits that!  But when I fall short, Jesus is there to pull me up and with hope like that, it is hard to stay in the dark very long!

May you see the light of Christ at the center of all you do this week!


Pictures are compliments of my dear friend Grace Manchala, drawn at a retreat I attended last year.

Every life has testimonies of how God intercedes to show His power and glory.  To read the first installment in a brand new series of books about God's divine work in one person's life, click below


  1. Thanks for your honesty in this post. I am struggling with a situation where I am having trouble remaining hopeful right now. I'm trying to keep my eyes on Him, knowing that He has everything under control. Thanks for the encouragement!

  2. May God bless you for baring your soul. As I write, I pray God will left you up and fill you with his joy and peace. It is often hard to 'have' to stay strong for others, but if also what keeps us going.

  3. Jennifer, You are so welcome! I seek always to present what God puts on my heart in the hope that it will speak to someone who needs it. I have learned, watching the blog rolls, that we are never alone in struggling. I will pray for you, that your eyes will remain eternally focused and your heart will know that nothing is outside of God's power or time... all things work for the good of those who believe (Romans is always a great encourager!)

    Shanda, thank you! I am the oldest in my family and have had to stay strong for most of my life. It isn't easy, as I am sure you know, but learning that the Source of Strength will never run out, never fail, never leave... that has been the most helpful peace I have ever realized. :-) The challenges will always be there, but the light will shine too and I praise and thank God for that!